During a conversation with my wife, I came to a startling revelation. My contribution to my family and friends and perhaps the world has been poop jokes. Long have the poop jokes been the standard for which all humor in my life comes from. But finally understanding that my lot in life has been to provide other people with the joy and contentment that poop jokes bring, well, that just warms my heart.
The World’s Largest Poop as dropped by Latesha B. Rippen of Poducah. She proudly displayed it at the Kentucky State Fair where she won a blue ribbon for it.
Let’s start by looking at the word poop. Poop is a palindrome, which means that it is spelled the same forwards as it is backwards. It also just sounds awesome. It’s like pop but with an oop. Poop is also fecal matter and feces has been a long running method of pulling a prank on someone. You know what I’m talking about folks. Pooping on someone’s door step or pooping in a bag and lighting it on fire so someone has to stomp it out. Classical stylings all the same. Let us next delve into the history of poop.
Long before men sported moustaches, there was poop. In fact, all men who have ever had brilliant moustaches have indeed… you guessed it… pooped. Moustaches are amazing and must be saluted for their vast amount of pride and flair. Gay men have nothing on you dear sirs. Gay men with moustaches are overstepping their bounds though, that’s too much flair and you will be sullied. I’ve formulated that Adam and Eve were, indeed, the first humans to ever drop a deuce. Those historic remains decayed over time and formed New Jersey.
The infamous “Poop Left” Sign. You must stopped in this spot of grass or be pulled over. Drop It or Ticket?
Ah, yes Mark, but there is something you are missing! Why indeed, man has always pooped, but what about the primates? What about the primordial soup that concocted this world. Oh yes, even the amazing amoeba does lay amounts of excrement which it must eventually redigest and split itself apart so that more amoeba may too… poop. I have not forgotten these contributions, but an amoeba does not talk, nor does it find the eating of said poop particularly amusing. So we will skip past that.
Who can forget those great vaudevillian comedians who shat themselves at the behest of many a crowd. Then they gave a tip of their hat, wiggled their moustache, and exited the stage to triumphant applause. Oh yes, it was they who gave us such great ideas as the “Upper Decker” or that “Phantom Pooper”. But the one thing they never explained, the great mystery, who are these people who can manage to crap in a stall all over almost everything but the toilet. My only explanation is that there are people with false butts who remove them and… well, the results are appalling to say the least.
For some reason, this was also the busiest day this Walgreens store ever saw.
To all of you who have managed to read this far, I am proud. For my contribution shall continue to grow as long as this post lives on. I will leave you with my long secret equation to success in television and film. May a producer or director someday find this post and reap the benefits.
If poop=funny and funny=ratings, then poop=ratings. Mathematical my friends! Good day!
As someone who deals with poop (and not just my own) on a daily basis, I really don't find it humorous, sorry. Okay, yes, it is fun to say, and the word iself is funny, but no, not actual poop.
ReplyDeleteWell actual poop scares me for the most part. But the word itself is fantastic and the thought. Just not the action or by-product
ReplyDeleteI think you're on to something here Mark. Your post reminded me that my wife made sure to snap a photo of my daughter's first ever BM. It was a precious moment that we enjoyed over 18 years ago, and thanks to that picture, we get to enjoy to this day.
ReplyDeleteAh, the memories.
Boy, you can show that to any boyfriend of hers and embarrass her for life. What a great threat to have FOREVER!
ReplyDelete