All Hail the Return of the King!

No, I’m not talking about Elvis.  Clearly, I’m talking about my return.  And what better time to return?  Fresh with a wonderful new laptop computer, 100% Pee Free (ahem, at least so far).  So finally you’ll get to share the good times with me once again.

No, not Don King either.  ME!!!!!

I picked up an Asus Laptop from Best Buy with my tax return.  Click on the link if you want the specs.  Honestly, probably the best looking and functioning laptop you can get for the money.  What should sell anyone looking for a great deal on a laptop is the hard drive.  7200 RPMs on a laptop is what you need to put it on par with some desktop systems.

I had done a few blog posts on my old Gateway system that was loading with Linux.  The problem was, nothing could compare to Windows Live Writer when it comes to making a blog post.  I’m not a Microsoft fan boy by any means, but that programs is amazing.  The 2011 version makes the whole thing even better.  I’m totally happy to be able to use it again.

So where is my focus going to be?  All over the place, as usual.  I’ll be working on my comic reviews, Heroclix, board games, and a plethora of other fine things.  I’ve got one site in the waiting based on an idea I’ve had floating around.  More on that in a future post.

My wife has started selling things that she makes on Etsy.  So even though I was without a laptop, she was going to town with her sewing machine.  She gets even better every day and I’m very proud of her.  Here is the link to her fabulous Etsy site so you can see for yourself!

Dammit Becca, get back to work.  Those curtains don’t make themselves!

My kids are going to town around here with a new vigor when it comes to potty humor.  Tonight they came up with the term “penis bombs” which is apparently something super heroes drop to kill bad guys.  Talk about a terrible way to go.  I shudder to think what these WMDs actually look like.  You can draw your own mental image if you wish.

To my supporters, thank you.  You know who you are.  To my detractors, may “penis bombs” drop on you repeatedly.

All Hail the Return of the King!

My Son the Poopsmith

As the boys were about to settle in tonight, my three year old made the announcement that he had to poop. So I see him going to work in the bathroom.  Getting his seat added to the toilet and then his eyes dart back and forth.  At that time, I hear him utter the word, "dang."  Off he goes to grab his step-stool from his 1 month old brother's room.

So as he got situated finally on the potty, he issues a question to me and my wife from the bathroom.  "Hey guys, do you want to know the best part of going to the bathroom that I love the best?"  At first, I had no idea what he was saying, nor did my wife.  So we asked him to please repeat that.  Sure enough, he said just what I had finally put together.  Of course, my wife and I oblige the youngster with a obligatory "what?"  His response, "pooping!"

In case you were wondering, the original Poopsmith

This was about as sincere and as heart felt as he gets.  He just loves pooping.  My boy would then go on to give his own running commentary of what was occurring in the most solemn of places.  Why, he even gave a nice "splash!" sound effect for good measure at the moment of triumph.

Oh, but the proud moments do not stop there.  Not only that, but when it was time for me to help wipe him, he quickly darts back to the toilet to view his masterpiece.  "One chunk!" he echoed to me.  Now, he quickly darted to the toilet because sometimes I wipe him and then drop the tissue into the toilet, directly over his Picasso.  Usually, that elicits an angry exchange from him.  But tonight he could go to sleep proud.  He knew that his favorite part of the day had not been sullied by an unforgivable fatherly mistake.  Kudos to my young poopsmith, kudos.

My Son the Poopsmith

Why Poop Jokes Are Funny

During a conversation with my wife, I came to a startling revelation.  My contribution to my family and friends and perhaps the world has been poop jokes.  Long have the poop jokes been the standard for which all humor in my life comes from.  But finally understanding that my lot in life has been to provide other people with the joy and contentment that poop jokes bring, well, that just warms my heart.

The World’s Largest Poop as dropped by Latesha B. Rippen of Poducah.  She proudly displayed it at the Kentucky State Fair where she won a blue ribbon for it.

Let’s start by looking at the word poop.  Poop is a palindrome, which means that it is spelled the same forwards as it is backwards.  It also just sounds awesome.  It’s like pop but with an oop.  Poop is also fecal matter and feces has been a long running method of pulling a prank on someone.  You know what I’m talking about folks.  Pooping on someone’s door step or pooping in a bag and lighting it on fire so someone has to stomp it out.  Classical stylings all the same.  Let us next delve into the history of poop.

Long before men sported moustaches, there was poop.  In fact, all men who have ever had brilliant moustaches have indeed… you guessed it… pooped.  Moustaches are amazing and must be saluted for their vast amount of pride and flair.  Gay men have nothing on you dear sirs.  Gay men with moustaches are overstepping their bounds though, that’s too much flair and you will be sullied.  I’ve formulated that Adam and Eve were, indeed, the first humans to ever drop a deuce.  Those historic remains decayed over time and formed New Jersey.

The infamous “Poop Left” Sign.  You must stopped in this spot of grass or be pulled over.  Drop It or Ticket?

Ah, yes Mark, but there is something you are missing!  Why indeed, man has always pooped, but what about the primates?  What about the primordial soup that concocted this world.  Oh yes, even the amazing amoeba does lay amounts of excrement which it must eventually redigest and split itself apart so that more amoeba may too… poop.  I have not forgotten these contributions, but an amoeba does not talk, nor does it find the eating of said poop particularly amusing.  So we will skip past that.

Who can forget those great vaudevillian comedians who shat themselves at the behest of many a crowd.  Then they gave a tip of their hat, wiggled their moustache, and exited the stage to triumphant applause.  Oh yes, it was they who gave us such great ideas as the “Upper Decker” or that “Phantom Pooper”.  But the one thing they never explained, the great mystery, who are these people who can manage to crap in a stall all over almost everything but the toilet.  My only explanation is that there are people with false butts who remove them and… well, the results are appalling to say the least.

For some reason, this was also the busiest day this Walgreens store ever saw.

To all of you who have managed to read this far, I am proud.  For my contribution shall continue to grow as long as this post lives on.  I will leave you with my long secret equation to success in television and film.  May a producer or director someday find this post and reap the benefits.

If poop=funny and funny=ratings, then poop=ratings.  Mathematical my friends!  Good day!

 

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Why Poop Jokes Are Funny